Valentine’s Day Heart-oscopes:

What do the stars have in store for your love life?

By the Trojan Torch Staff

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Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 20) Politely, your date will ignore the fact that you have spinach in your teeth. Then they will post a picture of you online and your teeth will become a meme.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19) As you will soon discover, Long John Silver’s is a terrible Valentine’s Day gift. Stop. Don’t do it.

Pisces (Feb 20 – March 20) …unless you are a Pisces! Disregard Aquarius’ horoscope, fish bois! Long John Silver’s is an EXCELLENT Valentine’s day gift! Fish GOOD!

Aries (March 21 – April 20) Let’s be honest Aries: we get it. You don’t have trouble finding a date. We’re all a little sick of seeing those cutesy pictures on Instagram.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21) Brookstone massage chairs at the mall DO NOT count as a “couple’s massage”

Gemini (May 22 – June 21) Lately, you’ve noticed that the life-sized teddy bear that mysteriously appeared on your doorstep has been slowly inching closer to your attic throughout the day. Do not, under any circumstances, open that attic.

Cancer (June 22 – Jul 22) As it turns out, there IS such a thing as “too much Red Lobster cheddar-baked biscuits.”

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 21) Rejoice! You will finally get a nickname! Unfortunately, it will be “Splat.” And the story behind it is going to be… just awful…

Virgo (Aug 22 – Sep 23) The ghost of Patrick Swayze is not going to visit you, no matter how much pottery you make in your basement. Let it go.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23) Libra, now is the PERFECT time to start your George Michael cover band “The Careless Whispers.” At long last, your wild saxophone skills will pay off!

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22) Unless we are mistaken, one of the chocolates in your box today is poison. …or coconut… either way, it’s bad for you. So watch out.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) Valentine’s Day is dumb anyway, right? You know better. That’s why you’re staying home and watching Netflix! Have you seen season 2 of The Good Place, yet? It’s so good!

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